10 October 2011

Not since 1314 when the army of Edward I was sent home tae think again has Scotland faced such a menacing invasion force. A wall is under construction, with regular observation posts, to detect the first of this rapacious host and deal with them appropriately (by imposing death upon them). I was told by a source close to the First Minister that they have to be stopped at all cost from crossing the border “singing their sectarian songs, carrying their crude but deadly serrated flint blades, loaded up with cheap English booze”.

  And what is this rampant and rampageous invader? It’s quite small, even smaller than the Roman invaders and a lot smaller than the Vikings (even without their horns). They're only about eighteen inches high, stocky, russet brown in summer, grey brown in winter. And because they’re deer they've got antlers. They have been called “Asbo Bambis”, referring both to their cuteness and their alleged anti-social behaviour. Chinese Muntjac deer, or Muntiacus reeves as they prefer being addressed on formal and solemn occasions, and there can be no more solemn occasion than when facing the Scottish Government's licensed serial cervicidamaniacs (passionate deer killers – though they are quite happy to kill frigid deer as well!).

It is Scottish Natural Heritage (SNH) who are preparing Scotland’s border defences to deal with the prospective invaders. OK I exaggerate about the wall but they do say that observation posts may need to be set up to spot the pesky little beasts. And at this point, just in case our friends – and we have many (possibly) – at SNH are thinking that Sustainable Scotland is going to criticise, satirise, mock, or otherwise disparage that excellent protector and promoter of our natural heritage (for such things we have in the past done), I wish to declare that they’re probably quite right to be concerned about the muntjacs, which are generally – though not exclusive – regarded as about as welcome as rats, or mink, or those banana-loving crayfish (especially when the banana is brown and rotting and biodegrading and reeking its musine bouquet).

SNH have recently published Commissioned Report No 457, Analysis of cost of preventing establishment in Scotland of muntjac deer. It is inevitable that, if no action is taken, muntjacs will spread to, and through, Scotland. The report says that managing an established muntjac population would cost from £457, 821 to £1,915,411 per year (what a wide variation in estimates – combined with an astonishingly precise statement, to the last pound, of the upper and lower limits!). Managing is largely a euphemism for culling, which is itself a sort of euphemism for killing! The costs of stopping these sectarian, blade-wielding, sozzled immigrants from settling here, are estimated to range from £3,683 to £60,625 per outbreak for populations of up to 200 animals.

Those who have experience of muntjac in England accuse them of causing road accidents, damaging crops, destroying young trees in woodland areas, eating plants in suburban gardens, damaging nature reserves, revelling in incest and Morris dancing.. The SNH report adopts a moderate tone.

Concerns have been expressed about the effect of muntjac browsing on native vegetation, especially sensitive ground flora including bluebells, dog’s mercury, primrose and orchids, as well as on hardier species such as bramble. Coppice regeneration is attacked and may be checked, and tender tree seedlings are browsed, sufficient for them to be checked. Damage appears to be most severe when muntjac populations are allowed to build up to high densities. The resulting denudation of the understory affects overall biodiversity in affected areas, including invertebrates and birds

Muntjac were brought to Britain in 1900 as pets for the Duke of Bedford, and since then they have escaped from his Woburn estate and other collections. Some release into the wild has been deliberate. Their numbers, uncontrolled, can increase fairly rapidly. They mate at any time of year, the average interval between births of kids is only 233 days, and they can live for up to sixteen years. The current population in England and Wales is estimated at around 250,000 animals – though it might be much higher.

According to the British Deer Society, “Unlike other species of deer in Britain, muntjac do not cause significant damage to agricultural or timber crops. However, high muntjac densities may result in the prevention of coppice regeneration and the loss of some plants of conservation importance, such as  primulas.”

For more information about muntjac see British Deer Society. For a really balanced view try this Mail Online article with the irresistible title, Asbo Bambi: They may look cute, but as muntjac deer are branded a threat to our wildlife, a victim of their mayhem speaks. For the musophagic (banana-eating) propensities, and other less desirable characteristics of the Signal Crayfish, see Sustainable Scotland articles, Yes we have no bananas …, and CrayZee – but it’s Scotland’s future. You might wish to browse, nibble, or graze through the SNH Report.

Chinese muntjac deer are sometimes called barking deer. It has been conjectured that this is because either the first escapes were discovered in Barking or they are barking  mad or they make a noise like an animal that barks (eg a dog),

The picture at the top of this story shows muntjac chromosomes. For more about this and more chromosome images visit, University of Cambridge, Cambridge Veterinary School, Centre for Veterinary Science, Molecular Cytogenics Laboratory. If it is not convenient to visit the Lab, click here.

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