28 November 2011

Christmas can be both merry and sustainable. It can also be both miserable and sustainable. The important thing, though, is that it should be … sustainable. If you are in the midst of your Crimble preps, halt now and read just how you can have a happy / unhappy Christmas while not setting back Scotland’s sustainable development targets with an orgiastic spree of super-aggrandised consumption. Santa, Rudolph and the elves may not be happy with our advice – but they belong to the carbon-spewing, resource-gobbling Christmases past. Where are you, Ebeneezer Scrooge, now that we need you?

SEND A THOUGHT
Save the world’s diminishing resources - don’t buy presents. It's the thought that counts. That's what you profess to believe. So give your friends and relations the benefit of the doubt and assume they believe it too. Then send them a thought. Telepathy is the most economic mode of communication but, if you haven't the gift (that is, the gift of telepathy), a short note will do, eg "Today I thought long and hard about buying you a present but really it is the thought that counts, isn’t it? So may you have all the thoughts you have ever wanted, including this one. Happy Christmas."

You may agree that the above advice is wise advice as far as adults are concerned but fails to cut the mustard with children whose brains have not developed sufficiently for them to appreciate the inescapable logic behind SEND A THOUGHT. Give them cardboard boxes, cajoled from a local store. It has often been observed that children given expensive toys in big boxes will often, after playing dutifully with the toy for a while, derive much more enjoyment – and much more exercise for their developing imaginations – playing with the box. And if they’re too old to be happy with an empty box, then they’re old enough to understand the inescapable logic of SEND A THOUGHT. Here's another thought - why would anyone wish to cut mustard?

WRAP OFF
But if you must buy presents (and some of you will insist on doing so) do remember that wrapping paper is a wasteful luxury. It will be ripped, crumpled and binned. Wrap artists should be banned. If it is felt necessary to disguise your gift there are alternatives: plastic carrier bags, newspaper, old cardboard boxes, wrapping paper from the presents people have given you (do remember it is better to give than receive so it will be better for your friends to continue giving presents to you). And let me make this quite clear – rap artists (artists?) should be banned as well.

IT'S A CRACKER
It’s the way I pull them!
Crackers are unnecessary. When you pull a cracker and the explosive material inside does its job and explodes, carbon is released into the atmosphere contributing to global warming and the eventual end of civilisation as we know it if we don’t stop doing completely unnecessary things like pulling crackers. If you must have a bang then shout BANG!, and if that's not considered sufficiently festive then shout Ho! Ho! Ho! and a bottle of Buckfast. Pieces of white chocolate Toblerone. BANG! BANG! BANG! – and surely that will satisfy the most fastidious and fanatical festivophiles.

Who wants to wear a silly paper hat anyway? The only point of crackers is the jokes. That's where the name came from – crackers. It’s the way I tell them! So make up your own quality jokes, write them on strips cut from Poundland (other poundstores are available) receipts, and hand round. Or steal mine (not my Poundland receipts – I need them for writing my epic novel on – but my cracking Christmas crackerless jokes). Here are some of those.

What musical instrument does a thrifty person play? – A frugalhorn.
How many electricians does it take to change a lightbulb? – One.
Why is Christmas like being in heaven? – Because it's No-el.
How does a shrimp get home from a late party? – By taxi crab.
Which is the most discourteous olph? – Rudolph.

That’enough cracking Christmas crackerless jokes.

NO CARDS
Don't send any cards. Many of the non-recipients will not notice the non-receipt and the ones that do will probably assume it's been lost in the post, or accidentally not sent. If anyone raises the issue, just say "That's strange," or "Well, I got yours". If you believe it's more moral to tell a straight lie, I recommend: "Well I certainly sent you one. You're on my Christmas address-label-printing database".

And a Cherry Mistmas to one and all. Bah, humbug!.
Note, the phrase, Bah, humbug!, most associated with Ebeneezer Scrooge occurs only twice in Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol,  an unaccountably popular work by an author who however is undoubtedly (except to those – there may be a misguided few – who doubt it) the greatest novelist ever to have written in the English language.

And a Merry Christmas to you too, Donald Trump.

Ha! I'm joking!

If you found this article helpful / educational / inspiring / entertaining you might like to look at Twixtmas comes but once a year ... If you found this article unhelpful / sef-indulgent / silly / spacewasting then you might be happier and more satisfied after you have read Twixtmas comes but once a year ... If you do not fall into either of the above categories then it is likely you are not reading this and therefore there is little point in suggesting that you might like to look at Twixtmas comes but once a year ...

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