Not too early for a Sustainable Christmas!

23 August 2010

donaldtrump Santa and his Lapp dancers are hard at work. Rudolph is roaring manfully (no he’s not a girl deer as some clever clogs claim!), the elves are relaxing since they have outsourced production of toys to China. We’re all preparing for Crimble. Every year sustainable development in Scotland is set back by the annual wasteful consumer orgy. Let us think, and plan, NOW, for a jolly but sustainable Christmas.

SEND A THOUGHT
Save the world’s diminishing resources - don’t buy presents. It's the thought that counts. That's what you profess to believe. So give your friends and relations the benefit of the doubt and assume they believe it too. Then send them a thought. Telepathy is the most economic mode of communication but, if you haven't the gift (that is, the gift of telepathy), a short note will do, eg "Today I thought long and hard about buying you a present but really it is the thought that counts, isn’t it? So may you have all the thoughts you have ever wanted, including this one. Happy Christmas."

WRAP OFF
But if you must buy presents, do remember that wrapping paper is a wasteful luxury. It will be ripped, crumpled and binned. Wrap artists should be banned. If it is felt necessary to disguise your gift there are alternatives: plastic carrier bags, newspaper, old cardboard boxes, leave in original wrapping and brush over with left-over paint. Best of all, using scissors and sellotape in an appropriate manner, use the reverse of the box that contains the gift so that the plain inside is now the outside. And let’s make this quite clear – rap artists (artists?) should be banned as well.

IT'S A CRACKER
Crackers are unnecessary. When you pull a cracker and the explosive material inside does its job and explodes, carbon is released into the atmosphere contributing to global warming and the eventual end of civilisation as we know it if we don’t stop doing things like pulling crackers. And who wants to wear a silly paper hat? The only point of crackers is the jokes. That's where the name came from – crackers. It’s the way I tell them! So make up your own quality jokes, write them on strips cut from Poundland (other poundstores are available) receipts, and hand round. Or steal mind (not my Poundland receipts – I need them for writing my epic novel on – but my jokes). Here are some of those.

What musical instrument does a thrifty person play? – A frugalhorn.
What does a cannibal prisoner have for Christmas lunch? – Roast turnkey.
Why is Christmas like being in heaven? – Because it's No-el.
How does a shrimp get home from a late party? – By taxi crab.
Which is the most discourteous olph? – Rudolph.

NO CARDS
Don't send any cards. Many of the non-recipients will not notice the non-receipt and the ones that do will probably assume it's been lost in the post, or accidentally not sent. If anyone raises the issue, just say "That's strange," or "Well, I got yours". If you believe it's more moral to tell a straight lie, I recommend "Well I certainly sent you one. You're on my Christmas address-label-printing database".

And a Cherry Mistmas to one and all. Bah, humbug!
Note, the phrase, most associated with Ebenezer Scrooge occurs only twice in Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol, an unaccountably popular work by an author who however is undoubtedly (except to those – there may be a misguided few – who doubt it) the greatest novelist ever to have written in the English language.