19 December 2011

Rejoice! Rejoice! Britain’s town centres have been saved from inexorable decline. The tall, striking, feisty, red-haired, athletic, sports-loving, stylishly-dressed dancing queen – Mary, Queen of Scots – has ridden to the rescue and announced that “Bingo is a brilliant way to bring people together for a bit of old-fashioned community fun. Why can’t we encourage more bingo nights on our High Streets”. Thus confirming the old adage – if you want to reverse the rate of increase of town centre vacancy rates, ask a Queen.

Let’s get the history lesson out of the way. Mary Queen of Scots did indeed possess all the attributes I have listed. Unfortunately diplomacy, common sense and queenly competence were not among her most notable qualities. It certainly wasn’t because she was any good at being Queen of Scotland that she is still remembered with inappropriate affection. Mary, Queen of Shops, is the title that has been bestowed – or claimed by herself – on Mary Portas, the self-publicising, opinionated television presenter and newspaper columnist. Her day job, though, is co-running a Retail and Brand agency (that’s not my description) called Yellowdoor (I can think of a reason for the name but I have not visited the offices to confirm) which advises retail, fashion, luxury and consumer brands on strategy, communications and marketing. (Don’t worry, I’m getting to the point.) Among her clients are a number of large shopping centres. And it is of course these large shopping centres, whose prosperity and profitability Portas is paid to promote, which are helping to destroy the High Street which our Prime Minister, “Citizen” Dave Cameron asked her to save.

The bonkers bingo bunkum is a quote from her report. Here’s another. Instead of people working from home Doctor Portas wants them to have the chance to come onto the High Street and work together in “hubs”, “re-appropriating vacant units” for use as modern day communes. What a happy, hippy way to work indeed!

In addressing the Queen of Shops as “Doctor” I am not indulging in mockery. She really is a Doctor. On 19 June 2009, in a ceremony at Galashiels, Heriot-Watt University awarded her a Doctorate of Letters in recognition of her career and her contribution to the advancement of marketing and brand communications within the retail sector. Some might say there is often no need to go to the bother of coming up with wit, sarcasm and satire to mock the self-important and the over-puffed celebrity. All one need do is tell it is like it is – yes, Mary Portas is indeed a Doctor. (And so is Donald Trump, courtesy of Robert Gordon University, and so is Bob Dylan, courtesy of Stan Drews University).

Mary Portas’ report on saving the High Street has had mixed reviews. Most have acknowledged that some of her proposals are sensible and some are kooky, with the retail industry being especially sceptical – but they of course are involved with the out-of-town malls and retail parks with their free parking which are helping to destroy town centres.

But you don’t need to take what is reported in the media as a fair and accurate account of the report, and you shouldn’t be too influenced by anything I’ve said (except everything about Mary Queen of Scots, which is absolutely true, and everything about Mary Queen of Shops, which is also absolutely true.) Mary Queen of Shops, like the other Mary, has gingerish head-fur: the former’s mop is a natural by-product of her genetic inheritance; the latter’s is … I don’t want be sued so I won’t say any more! OK, I'll take the risk! - Mary Portas' wig-like hair is probably not a product of genetic inheritance.

To read Portas’ Posturings for yourself, download the report: The Portas Review - An independent review into the future of the High Street (1.97 MB) It’s accessible and will tell you lots about the retail environment, what’s gone wrong and of course make a lot of proposals about how to stop the decline in those towns where it is still possible to stop the decline. Whatever the merits of the Doctor's cures she provides the most up-to-date and comprehensive description of the symptoms.

If you want to find out how supermarkets don’t create the jobs they claim they create, see Sustainable Scotland article, Every little helps … destroy communities. Note: other supermarkets are available, and are just as bad.

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